There are about six trillion ways the world could end (that’s just a very rough estimate based on some algorithms I totally just ran). One of the scariest and yet coolest ways the world might end is a zombie apocalypse. With the dead rising to walk again, there is no surefire way to defeat every kind of zombie that might exist. I’m not even sure if zombies are possible, but Hollywood has dozens of ideas of what zombies might be like at the end of the world. In today’s edition of Zombie Apocalypse Field Guide, I’ll be helping you (the hopeful survivor of the uprising) to choose the very best fictional weapon to fight against every type of zombie.
Your Slow Walker Type
The hit AMC show The Walking Dead has presented fans with a pretty traditional kind of zombie. It’s slow, it’s dumb, it’s pretty much just a beast intent on eating your organs. The hardest thing about zombies seen in the likes of The Walking Dead, Night of the Living Dead and Shaun of the Dead is that they often travel in hordes and there is very little you can to do stop them. In order to survive this kind of apocalypse, you have to incapacitate multiple enemies in a very short amount of time so that you can continue living without having your leg become some dead guy’s lunch.
Weapon Of Choice: Mjolnir
Imagine being able to do that while surrounded by a dozen zombies. No more worrying about being overwhelmed by sheer numbers with Mjolnir in your hands. In addition to being able to ground smash large groups, if you were imbued with the power of Thor, you could fly out of dangerous areas, summon lightning to fry zombie brains, and knock out baddies from afar with an awesome throw. Unfortunately, you have to be worthy to wield Mjolnir, but if you made it this far into the zombie apocalypse without succumbing to the onslaught of the undead, you’re probably worthy enough (or all the other people more worthy have been turned to brainless zombies).
Your Fast Runner Type
Although most people agree that fast zombies aren’t nearly as scary as slow zombies, I’m terrified of anything that wants to kill me. If there’s a zombie running at me, I’m more likely to die from fear than I am to kill the thing and survive the end of the world. Movies like World War Z, Zombieland, 28 Days Later and Dawn of the Dead have shown us how much damage a fast, unstoppable zombie can do and there’s not really much you can do to stop them. Luckily for us survivors of the initial outbreak, fast zombies are much clumsier than your slow type as they just furiously throw themselves at you in an effort to get at your gooey innards. Which means there is one ultimate fictional weapon that can save you in the event of being faced with a running undead monster.
Weapon Of Choice: The Lightsaber
Now, imagine if that bat Woody Harrelson is holding in the above GIF was a lightsaber. No need for a double tap when you burn through the head of your enemy. The Star Wars weapon is probably one of the best fictional weapons out there and would serve you well in many cases, but if you’re being chased by a zombie and don’t have much time to think, a lightsaber is the perfect weapon. Simply light it up, aim in the general direction of the zombie and swing. You’ll do a lot of damage even if you just chop off an arm.
But with a weapon like this, you could easily cut a head off, separate a zombie’s top half from its bottom half, or even kill multiple enemies at once. The only major downside to using a lightsaber is you have to be careful not to cut your own arm off or injure one of your other survival buddies — but that’s a small price to pay for this awesome weapon.
Your Ranged Spitter Zombie
Perhaps the most dangerous type of zombie you might encounter in the apocalypse has been deemed the spitter. Movies and video games such as the Resident Evil franchise, Left 4 Dead and Dead Island have somehow made the concept of zombies even more terrifying. These horrible creatures can spit substances (usually acid) at us defenseless humans and either slow us down or kill us completely, before coming to devour our tasty flesh.
What makes this type of zombie so formidable is the fact they have a ranged ability. In order to take down a spitter, you’re going to need a weapon that not only has a long range (to keep you far from the zombie) but also something that can protect you from the acidic spit.
Weapon Of Choice: Harry Potter-Esque Wand
To my knowledge, nobody has ever asked these important questions: Could magic be used to kill a zombie? Would a spell like “Avada Kedavra” kill something that is already technically dead? Debate in the comments below!
Some might consider using magic in the apocalypse cheating, but to that, I say “Bloody Hell!” If I can use Mjolnir or a lightsaber, then magic is definitely on the table, too (this is my field guide, after all). The upside to bringing a wand with you to the end of the world is you’ll be able to utilize a wide variety of spells. You can cast spells of protection to keep you from harm, you could kill or slow down zombies, you could make small spaces bigger (not sure what good that’ll do, but hey — space is limited when zombies take over everywhere), and dozens of other things. Hopefully, you were paying attention in your Defense Against the Dark Arts course because I’m pretty sure zombies will end up being the result of some seriously bad voodoo.
Now that you’ve made it through this handy chapter of Zombie Apocalypse Field Guide, you can feel well prepared to handle any type of zombie you might run into. Hopefully, you’ll be able to find one or all of these weapons at the end of the world (or better yet, prepare to be a survivor by tracking down these items now while you still have time).
*Disclaimer: Please wait to kill zombies until the apocalypse has officially begun. I don’t want to be responsible for any caffeine-deprived workaholics getting sliced in half by a lightsaber because you thought they seemed a little zombie-like this morning.