It’s that time of year where it seems like everybody is getting into relationships or celebrating an anniversary. Yet, some of us are perfectly content to be single, and maybe we have good reasons to be — if horror movies are any indication. If they’ve taught us anything, it’s that being in a relationship, or even just hooking up with a person, is a dangerous risk and could lead to your gruesome death. Just saying. To cement your fear of ever dating again, here are seven movies that will make you glad you’re single.
1. Friday The 13th Part II (1981)
- What it will make you scared of: Having sex ever again
Jason Voorhees is one of the best reasons you should stay out of the complexities that come with having sex. Doing the dirty is grounds for being violently murdered, most likely by an ax. Friday the 13th Part II introduced us to the man behind the mask and his skewed morals (is having sex really worse than killing people?) The easiest way to avoid the wrath of a crazed lunatic is abstinence, obviously.
2. Scream (1996)
- What it will make you scared of: That your significant other is actually a murderous psychopath
Perhaps we shouldn’t even be friends with people in relationships, because their significant other might just turn out to be a crazed serial killer. In Scream, Billy’s girlfriend’s mother was having an affair with his father so he kills a whole bunch of people (yeah, I’m good with no relationships for me). Billy and his accomplices are directly responsible for the deaths of eight people, including Billy himself and Stu. Sidney had no idea her boyfriend had it in him to go on a killing spree, so if you happen to be in a relationship right now you might want to turn to your partner and take a long hard look at them, you never know if they have a mask hiding in the back of their closet.
3. It Follows (2014)
- What it will make you scared of: Getting an STD of the supernatural sort
Yet another movie that proves that sex is the root of all evil. If you thought getting an STD was bad, then wait until you hear about supernatural STDs. It Follows is about a young woman, Jaime, who gets a new boyfriend and the two eventually have sex. Hugh, the new boyfriend, drugs Jaime after the act and ties her to a wheelchair and lets her in on a little secret: he has an STD that manifests itself as a person who will follow her at a walking pace until it catches her and murders her. The only way to get this creature to stop following her is to pass the supernatural STD onto the other person. Next time you think about casually hooking up with somebody, you should probably ask if they have a supernatural STD, just to be on the safe side.
4. The Stepfather (1987)
- What it will make you scared of: Once again, your partner might be a murderous psychopath
Even the most normal-seeming people might be hiding the fact they have gone through multiple families—because they can’t stop murdering them. That’s the premise of The Stepfather. Jerry Blake seems like the typical family man; he just got remarried and is looking to settle down with his new wife and stepdaughter. But he’s hiding his dark, murderous past and he might not be able to keep control of his malevolent desires. What’s even worse about this plot, is that it’s loosely based on a real-life serial killer John List. So if you thought all of this was just stuff that could only happen in movies, think again.
5. Teeth (2007)
- What it will make you scared of: Be a douchebag to women and you’ll get your penis bitten off
In the same vein, as It Follows, Teeth goes to great lengths to show absolutely horrible having sex is. After being raped, Dawn discovers her vagina has teeth and she has the ability to literally castrate the men who have sex with her. She uses her newfound anatomical weirdness by seducing all the men she’s felt has done her wrong. Although vagina dentata is a myth, Teeth is convincing enough to make anybody want to stay away from sex.
6. Oculus (2013)
- What it will make you scared of: Settling down with the ol’ ball and chain might actually turn out to be literal
Oculus might be harder to use as an example of why you should stay single and celibate your whole life, but nonetheless, it shows the pitfalls of falling in love and settling down. After moving into their new house, husband Alan buys a mirror to decorate his office. Unfortunately, the mirror drives the adults in the house crazy and Alan is forced to lock his wife away in their room, chained to the floor. If that isn’t the definition of marital bliss, I don’t know what is.
7. The Shining (1980)
- What it will make you scared of: That your partner might be totally normal…and then turn into a murderous psychopath
The final movie I’ll use to convince you to just be happy with the fact you’re single (I know, it sucks, Valentine’s Day and stuff—but at least you aren’t dead). One of the most famous thrillers ever (and adaptation of Stephen King’s novel of the same name), The Shining tells the story of Jack Torrance, a writer who moves his family to the remote Overlook Hotel after he gets a seasonal job as its caretaker for the winter. Unfortunately, he becomes possessed by the ominous evil presence in the hotel, goes absolutely batshit, and chases after his wife with an ax (*sigh* true love is in the air!) in an attempt to kill her.
Romance, relationships, and sex really aren’t what they’re cracked up to be when there’s a chance the person you’re falling for wants to see your insides—literally.
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So take pride in the fact you’re single, at least your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/stalker/etc. won’t be chasing you with an ax trying to take your head off. If anybody asks you this Valentine’s Day why you’re still single, show them this list. It should be convincing enough.